4 December 1988: You're Much Too Young

1. Cliff Richard: Mistletoe and Wine
2. Kylie & Jason: Especially for You
3. Angry Anderson: Suddenly
4. Bros: Cat Among the Pigeons / Silent Night
5. Robin Beck: First Time
6. Phil Collins: Two Hearts
7. Erasure: Crackers International
8. Rick Astley: Take Me to Your Heart
9. Michael Jackson: Smooth Criminal
10. Chris de Burgh: Missing You
11. Pet Shop Boys: Left to My Own Devices
12. Bomb the Bass featuring Maureen: Say a Little Prayer
13. INXS: Need You Tonight
14. Tiffany: Radio Romance
15. Bananarama: Nathan Jones
16. Hithouse: Jack to the Sound of the Underground
17. Humanoid: Stakker Humanoid
18. George Michael: Kissing a Fool
19. Salt 'n' Pepa: Twist and Shout
20. Status Quo: Burning Bridges (On and Off and On Again)
21. Deacon Blue: Real Gone Kid
22. Inner City: Good Life
23. New Order: Fine Time
24. Petula Clark: Downtown '88
25. The Beach Boys: Kokomo
26. Brother Beyond: He Ain't No Competition
27. Kylie Minogue: Je ne sais pas pourquoi
28. a-ha: You Are the One [remix]
29. Yazz: Stand Up for Your Love Rights
30. The Four Tops: Loco in Acapulco
31. Bon Jovi: Born to Be My Baby
32. The Pasadenas: Enchanted Lady
33. Milli Vanilli: Girl You Know It's True
34. Kim Wilde: Four Letter Word
35. Mica Paris: Breathe Life Into Me
36. Robert Palmer: She Makes My Day
37. Samantha Fox: Love House
38. Londonbeat: 9 a.m. (The Comfort Zone)
39. Iron Maiden: The Clairvoyant
40. Alexander O'Neal: The Christmas Song / Thank You for a Good Year

~~~~~

The last of the heavy hitters were up for the promise of the Christmas #1 - sorry, Alexander O'Neal - but as it turned out it was all for nought as the sappy, not-quite-a-hymn-but-not-exactly-a-secular-fave Mistletoe and Wine was now on top and everyone knew it wasn't going anywhere. Cliff Richard was someone I wasn't previously aware of and I soon had him pegged as a national treasure-type, one whose popularity in one region didn't translate in foreign climes. How wrong I was - and not because I was ignorant of Summer Holiday getting semi-regular rotation on the CBC's Sunday morning dead time. The appeal of this holiday hit was lost on the four of us in Laindon but I assumed we were in a tiny minority. He struck me as pompous and more than a little full of himself: turns out, that would've been a fairly charitable view of Cliff, especially within Britain.

Of the big newcomers, one was by a respectable synth-pop duo giving fans value for money with a four song EP and the other was a duet by an Antipodean couple cashing in on their respective TV characters' wedding. Guess which one is better?

Now, first, neither is especially good. Erasure had their backers and they seemed to be the discerning music fan's choice to get the number one. Smash Hits named Crackers International their single of the fortnight and I was rather in awe of it as an EP. I'd never heard of such a format before but it seemed cool that on even the modestly-sized 7" cut of vinyl there were four songs rather than the standard two. At one point my sister bought it - even though we didn't have a record player, a fact that made it an even more prized possession - and I liked staring at the between song groove on each side. What I missed out on was most of the music. Though sold and marketed as an EP, it was treated no differently from any other single by radio and TV and, thus, the only track we ever heard was Stop!, whose bristling energy and Christmas bells couldn't disguise the fact that it was a considerable let down after the brilliant A Little Respect which had been a hit back in October. The opening verse is repeated directly after the first run through of the chorus and that, combined with a running time of under three minutes, gave the whole thing a rushed, unfinished quality. That said, at least it was catchy which is more than can be said for the remaining three tracks. B-sides have always had the usually well-earned reputation for being filler but here we have a trio tunes barely worth the effort of playing the whole way through, let alone writing about.

In the end, Erasure were a group who couldn't win: they sounded in over their heads when they dabbled in profundity and facile when they tried to lighten things up. It probably never helped that their synth beats and somewhat amusing videos couldn't hide the fact that they were so deadly serious and irony-free - not to mention the vague sense from Andy Bell's operatic-lite pitch that he'd rather not be lowering himself to be warbling pop songs. (Evidently Cliff Richard wasn't alone in the taking-himself-too-seriously stakes)

(As for Kylie and Jason's effort, perhaps I should leave my analysis for next time. Let's just say for now that it's not a great step down in quality from Erasure - and not just because it was the first 7" single I bought to rival that of my sister)

I like to look back at this year in England as a turning point, the period in which I abandoned the things of my childhood and began to look ahead to the teen years and adulthood. It's a nice thought and not entirely wrong. Before we left I was still playing with toys, still kept my collection of teddy bears and other animals on display in my bedroom, loved wrestling - I was still trying to face up to it being fake - and comic books and cartoons and wasn't even that far off from believing in Santa Claus. I was starting to get into girls but I was still at that stage in which I was far too embarrassed to admit it to anyone.

Living in Britain got me away from many of my old childish pursuits. Wrestling wasn't on any of the four channels we got, most of my toys were back in Calgary and wearing a school uniform gave me a sartorial élan I'd never previously possessed (and promptly abandoned at the first opportunity). Nevertheless, I'd typically get home and throw on my old sweats from back home before tuning in to BBC Children's programming hosted by Andy Crane and his sidekick Bobby the Banana. Photos of me at the time show a mat-haired urchin sporting Converse All-Star jogging pants and the sort of winter jacket that probably still had a lift ticket dangling from its zipper. Trips to Scotland and York led me into newsagents shops where I purchased copies of the Beano. (I naively asked some of my mates at school about the iconic tabloid comic but was met with many a scoffing dismissal - except for from the two slowest boys in our class; I didn't raise the subject again) I was even still a few months away from feeling self-conscious about holding my mum's hand while walking around British towns. Puberty may have beckoned but I was still clinging to my boyhood.

And, yet, I began to secretly plot my return to Canada: I imagined learning to play the guitar and forming a band with some of my chums from back home; I pictured myself attending parties and school dances; I was sure I'd be the star of the basketball team. All those Archie comics I'd grown up on gave me the false impression that the Junior High and High School life that awaited me back home would be a glorious half-dozen years of teenage derring-do, casual girlfriends and cruising through life. Needless to say, I experienced none of that once we were back in Calgary. Not that it mattered: by then I was thinking of nothing else but the life I left behind in England.

~~~~~

young Paul's favourite: Especially for You

older Paul's retro pick: Left to My Own Devices